COUPLE

HOW OUR FAMILY WAS SAVED

The following is a description of what it is like for an embattled couple to come to a marriage counselor for help. Details have been changed to protect confidentiality. This story is told from the point of view of the wife.

Hello, my name is Sue Blumenstein. I would like to share with you my experience with marriage counseling. Ralph and I have had a very rocky marital relationship for years. If you are married, I hope you have had more peace and harmony than I have had. If you haven't, I want you to know there is help available. Here is my story of how Ralph and I saved our family.

We have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. A two-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl. Throughout our marriage, we have had many communication difficulties. We have both felt frustrated and angry. After the birth of our first daughter things seemed to go from bad to worse. Our intimate life was one of the casualties.

We tried to work things out, but it seemed the harder we tried the worse it got. My insistence on "talking it out" created such tension that finally my husband, Ralph, stopped talking to me completely. After about three days of the "silent treatment" I knew our marriage was in deep trouble. The "D" word kept creeping into my consciousness. I felt so out of control and insecure. Was this the way it started for the many unfortunate couples that ended up divorced? Was this the final scene before the calamity that left thousands of innocent children without the blessings and stability of two loving parents under one roof? Would this happen to our children? I knew we needed to get some help. When I suggested to Ralph that we go for marriage counseling, he responded by saying that I should go myself since according to him, "I was the problem."

Even though Ralph said he was unwilling to go, I made the call to the counselor anyway. I felt desperate and had to do something.

I first met Abe, the marriage counselor, on the phone. He had been recommended to me by a close friend who had seen Abe last year for a few months because of a depression she had been experiencing. Abe seemed very patient and understanding. When I told him of Ralph's refusal to go with me, Abe suggest, that I ask Ralph to come as a "consultant" so everyone could benefit from his viewpoint. If he still wouldn't come, Abe suggested that I come alone. To my surprise, Ralph agreed to come, "to help me with my problem." Of course I didn't agree with his assessment, but at least he was coming. Something was happening. In fact, now that we had an appointment, things seemed to already begin to get better. It was as if we were both on our best behavior as a way of looking good for the counselor.

Finally the day had arrived, as I sat with Ralph in the waiting room of Abe’s office, I was very self-conscious and felt awkward. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that what really matters is not my momentary feelings, but the future of my family. I can't take any more the daily tension between me and Ralph, the constant bickering, the silence, the "cold war." Even the kids are looking sad and worried. There is just no way I can allow this to go on. Something must change. If my arm were broken I would go to the doctor. If my family is "broken," I must also go for help. How could I ignore this problem and just allow everyone to suffer! It's especially not fair to the kids.

Abe greeted us in the waiting room and invited us to follow him. The three of us sat facing each other. I was so tense that it was even hard to get the words out of my mouth when Abe asked for our home address. Abe sensed my discomfort and told us that it was normal to feel nervous at the beginning. Ralph just sat there like a stone.

Abe asked each of us to give an "unedited" version of what is going on and how we thought he might help. When Ralph tried to correct a point I was making, Abe asked him to "hold on" until his turn, and insisted on an "unedited" version. For the first time we both took turns talking without interrupting and disputing each other. If that wasn't bizarre enough, Abe asked us to summarize what we had heard our partner saying. For the first time in years I actually felt that Ralph had listened to me. I sighed a breath of relief and hope.

After a while, we began to talk more casually about our problems, our hurt, and our fears. Somehow Abe made us feel safe. Ralph forgot about his "consultant" role and for the first time I heard him talk about his feelings. This "stone" really did have a heart inside!

Abe explained to us the process of therapy. He told us that for most couples it would take at least several months to be able to institute and maintain concrete changes in our attitudes and behavior. In his words, he was "immunizing" us against looking for instant cures.

Abe ended the session by asking us to demonstrate our commitment to improving our marital relationship by performing a simple task. He asked each of us to list two or three small things that if our partner could do it, it would make each of us feel better. "Number one," I said, "if Ralph wouldn't argue anymore...". Abe explained that if such big changes could be made so easily we probably didn't need to come for marriage counseling. He asked again for two or three "small things." Thinking it over I responded, "Call me if you are coming home late from work, and each day say good morning and good night." Abe encouraged Ralph to pick one and give it to me as a gift, i.e., no strings attached. To my surprise and amazement, Ralph volunteered to do both of my requests. When it was Ralph's turn he responded, "Don’t ask him questions about his stressful job and two, go with him once a week out to eat." He seemed amazed that I agreed to his requests.

Abe said he was very impressed with our ability to co-operate and our commitment to help ourselves and our family.

We scheduled a second appointment.

Our appointment seemed to take only fifteen minutes, even though my watch said about an hour. I looked at Ralph. He seemed relieved. Finally we did it. We got help. Deep in my heart I hoped my first impressions were right. Finally we found a person that could really help us. Life is too valuable to destroy in strife. I want to live in peace and harmony and I want to give this blessing to my children.

 After our first session with Abe, I felt much better. We left his office with a plan. Ralph had agreed to say good morning and good night and to call me if he was coming home late in the evenings. I had agreed to ask him about his stressful job and go on a date with him once a week. On the way home we set a time to go on our date.

The following morning Ralph greeted me with a "good morning." When he came home that evening I tried not to talk to him about his work, but he still seemed irritable and defensive. When I suggested he was taking his problems "too seriously", he raised his voice and said that I didn't understand. He left the room and went to read the paper. I felt alone and frustrated again. The next evening we went out on our date. This was a change for us. I think agreeing to work on our relationship made a deep impression on both of us. I really enjoyed our "date". It felt like courting again. At the restaurant Ralph helped me take my coat off. He seemed more sensitive and caring. We then went for a short walk afterwards. Ralph told me how happy he was to be able to do something fun together.

At the next appointment with Abe, I told him things were already much better. "At least," I said, " we didn't have any major "blow-ups." I also reported that every time I tried to talk seriously with Ralph he would walk away. I told Abe that Ralph called only once when he was coming home late, but on several other occasions he did not.

Abe said that for right now, he was interested in what was good about the week and what we did to make it good. Abe emphasized that sometimes the best way to get rid of darkness it to bring in a little light. He suggested by focusing more on was is right about our relationship, and by trying to increase that which was right, we could make some major improvements.

Later, Abe asked Ralph what had happened when I tried to talk to him about his work. He said that I never understood him and that he was tired of me telling him what to do. We started to argue right there in Abe's office, just like we did at home. Abe let us go on for a while and then he suggested we try talking differently with each other. I didn't have the slightest idea of what he was talking about. He said if we agreed he would help teach us a "listening exercise."

Abe instructed us to turn our chairs toward each other so we could get some eye contact. He then asked Ralph to tell me about his work. Abe then told me to periodically, in my own words, summarize what Ralph had been saying. He cautioned me not to agree, disagree, modify, or change in any way the meaning of Ralph's words. Ralph began speaking. He told me how his partner was taking advantage of him. I told Ralph not to be such a push-over and that he should stand up to his partner. Abe quickly interrupted and reminded me not to change what Ralph was saying. Only to repeat it. With difficulty I did so. After a while, I began to notice some important differences. Ralph was opening up in a way he had never done before. He wasn't cutting me out of his life. More incredible, we were not even arguing. Abe told us this skill, although seeming stiff and artificial at first, could be integrated into the way we talk at home . Our second session was over.

At our third session, I told Abe how things were much better. Ralph enthusiastically agreed. He said he actually was feeling comfortable talking to me about things that were important to him. I was beginning to feel that I mattered to Ralph and was an important part of his life again. Since we were not fighting, we spent more time just talking and listening. We even went on another date together and just had fun! We did more of the "listening exercise." This time it was Ralph's turn to let me know he was listening by repeating my words.

Abe said that based on what he had heard and what he had seen in the office that it seemed to him that Ralph's learned strategy for dealing with problems was to "walk away." I agreed completely. Ralph, though begrudgingly, agreed as well. Abe asked Ralph when he could first remember "walking away" when there was a problem. After some encouragement and coaching by Abe, Ralph began to talk about his experiences as a young child. He described how his parents continually bickered and shouted at each other. He told how he would go to his bedroom so he wouldn't have to listen. Abe suggested that this is one reason why Ralph leaves when voices are raised. He has learned to walk away when there are problems. Abe also suggested that Ralph is probably, and rightfully so, very sensitive to arguments, that they trigger a strong reaction in him. I asked if that is why Ralph runs away every time I express strong emotion? Abe instructed me to ask Ralph. Ralph began to describe his childhood pain and how uncomfortable he gets when we argue. He explained that's why at times he refuses to talk to me, "so there won't be an argument." Abe said that now that we have connected Ralph's walking away with early childhood experiences, he can from now on remind himself that he is no longer in his childhood home, where he was powerless to change things, and that he can now begin to hang in there when strong emotions are being expressed. At the same time, Abe added, that I should be aware of how strong emotions and shouting can affect Ralph and try to increase my efforts to speak calmly.

This session seemed to be a break through for us. We discovered that there were understandable reasons for why we behave the way we do. Ralph was not trying to reject me when he wouldn't talk. He was only trying to cope with a very painful situation in the only way he knew how. I wondered how many other things we both do that can be explained like this! In a way I felt liberated.

We continued to work weekly with Abe for several more months. We then made our appointments every other week. And finally, we all agreed, we had graduated. So here we are today. We still have our difficulties, our ups and downs, but they no longer devastate us. In counseling, we learned how to put water on a fire instead of gasoline. We learned to understand ourselves and each other so much better. We are now more patient and forgiving. Yes, even feelings of love now shine through on most days. We are now comfortable being intimate with each other. I feel Ralph has become my friend and confidant. The kids seem so much more happy and relaxed now. The "D" word never comes to mind. What a relief that is! To think, it only took us about 20 hours of counseling to make such a difference. I shudder to think what might have happened had we not gone for counseling.  Now we are just a happy family.

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