Loving oneself is not always easy. In my clinical practice as a personal, couple and family therapist, clients frequently share with me their inner thoughts. I know that for many people truly loving oneself can be the hardest thing in the world. In some cases, it is not only a monumental task to accept and love oneself, but some people feel they don’t even deserve love, not from others and not from themselves.

Loving oneself is a prerequisite to loving another person. If self love is lacking one will continually see faults in other people. This, in turn, will lead to constant criticism and disappointment. Such an attitude leaves no room for a loving and satisfying relationship.

Self love means accepting your needs and desires. This does not mean always acting on your perceived needs and wants. It means accepting that you have them, that you are human and you have legitimate needs. Self love requires humility and acceptance that we are imperfect and at times make mistakes. Self love means that at times it is OK to be selfish when it is combined with responsibility. Selfishness means that you like yourself and feel you deserve to be taken care of. Getting to where you can love yourself or love yourself more can be hard work. The first step is to make sure that no one is verbally attacking you with words of degradation or shaming you. If so, you need to take concrete steps to protect yourself. The second step is to try and accept yourself in spite of your limitations.

Some people require inner healing from past traumas before they can adequately love themselves. Inner healing has three parts: sensitivity, compassion, and kindness. Sensitivity is necessary to acknowledge that one has personal difficulties and to deal with them honestly and straightforwardly. Oppositely, if a person is arrogant and stubborn, there can be no personal change. For example, when such a person has a difficulty in a relationship he or she typically excuses himself/herself and blames the other person for all the problems. If it is a personal problem, here too, arrogance gets in the way and prevents one from discovering the underlying causes and concerns and making personal changes. Being tough and close-minded leads to denial and irresponsibility and prevents change, leaving the person stuck in their personal and/or relationship problems.

Compassion is the means by which we accept what we have done or others have done to us, and if possible, make appropriate amends. For example, if we feel we have violated our morality, appropriate amends might be to perform a spiritual/religious act of penance and/or if involving another person, to owe up to the misdeed and apologize, etc. After appropriate amends have been made, it is then necessary to act compassionately and forgive oneself. Guilt is an important emotion when it is used to help a person stay on the right path. But guilt can become a self-abusing force if it becomes like an anchor around one’s neck, keeping one depressed and preventing one from moving on and enjoying life. Such guilt can and must be removed with compassion and forgiveness. Kindness allows us to take care of ourselves and provide for our needs. Being "kind" to yourself means to be gentle and accepting in attitude and deed. For example, making sure you have enough rest and relaxation by taking holidays or even a simple leisurely bubble bath, etc.

Sometimes a person has been so traumatized by past events that freeing oneself is too difficult to do alone. At such times, a professionally trained counselor can be of great assistance.

To a great extent, life is what we make of it. Let's make our lives count for ourselves and for others.