LOVE OR COMMITMENT

A woman called me up, made an appointment, and brought in her husband. She had uncovered that he was currently involved in an affair. Their relationship was in a crisis. After several appointments, things settled down and the husband began to wonder what to do. He reported sadly that he was no longer in love with his wife. He maintained that he hadn’t felt loving feelings toward her for many years. He was in a quandary. He had three older children and knew that they and his wife would be terribly upset if he left. He wasn’t madly in love with the other woman, and even after the affair had ended, he still didn’t know what to do. In our soul searching, we embarked upon a philosophical discussion about what keeps couples together – love or commitment?

Love is something not discussed in graduate classes or written about in professional books. It is confusing to almost everyone. In these times of sensual gratification, we often think of love as passion.

Confusing love with passion is easy. A man feels "loving and loved" when he is physically intimate with his partner. A woman feels "loving and loved" when she is emotionally close with her partner. 

During the courtship and early stage of marriage, feeling "loving and loved" is easy, since both male and female types of intimacy occur frequently. Youth and the absence of children are a great asset to an active intimate life. If these youthful experiences are called love, these pining and passionate feelings, it is no wonder that so many mature couples feel out-of-love. Especially when they compare their present experiences to the experiences early on in their relationship.

Passionate highs are a more accurate description of these early relationship experiences. This kind of passion has an important place in marriage. However, it also has its limitations. If a relationship is based primarily on "passion," what happens when passions wane – as they always will? What happens when partners age and don’t look as attractive and are not as active as they were in their early years?

If love is not passion, then what is true love? What can sustain a relationship through the winters of life?

The answer, to use an old-fashioned word, is "commitment." Commitment is a spiritual awareness and feeling that supersedes any physical or emotional limitations. It is a selfless love not based on sensual pleasure. The question of, "what do I get out of it?" is not asked. It is a love that is so powerful that no matter what happens, there will always be dedication and loyalty. Commitment, for better or for worse, is an expression of a higher love than passion.

Caring behaviors certainly make us feel good and are extremely important to a marriage, but they are not the expression of commitment. We "feel loved" when people give us good food, attention, intimacy, or gifts. It makes us feel good and satisfies our ego and strengthens our self-esteem. A higher love is when we stick with our partner even when we momentarily don’t get these things.

Many marriages are not based on this type of selfless love. That is why many couples end in divorce and tragedy.

Mary was extremely insecure. She had been physically abused and emotionally abandoned as a child. She was hypersensitive to any act that her husband Ryan did that seemed to her to create distance. For example, if he drank a single beer, she felt abandoned, like he had gone to another world – he was "high" and she was not. Mary would then unleash a vicious verbal attack. Ryan would counterattack by swearing and name calling and then immediately emotionally withdraw. Mary would quickly get over it but Ryan would pout for days. This made Mary even more insecure and she would intermittently attack all over again. This pattern consumed three quarters of their days together. They were ready to end their marriage. They could not attend marriage counseling sessions together because of the "volatile" nature of their relationship.

Ryan saw me alone. I pointed out that if he would only reassure Mary of his commitment to her, she would feel much more secure and would not attack. By doing this, they could short-circuit this battle pattern. I told him to simply give her some flowers and a note that he loved her. He could not, saying "I don’t feel like it, I am angry with her, I can’t do it."

Ryan was a very successful salesman. We spent time talking about how he influenced people to make a sale, even when he did not like the customer or he felt like being somewhere else. After several sessions, he got up the resolve to go beyond his personal feelings, send her a gift and reassure her verbally of his love and commitment. Finally, he did it. Daily, he continued this selfless behavior. After several weeks they were a new couple. The vicious fights had virtually disappeared.

Ryan learned that by focusing on his commitment to Mary, above his personal feelings, he was able to turn around their relationship experience.

By prioritizing one’s relationship, being selflessly committed, many couples can enrich their marriage far more than by emphasizing personal gratification. Then, personal gratification, within the context of commitment and security, will be a much more rewarding and deeply felt experience.