COUPLE

FEELINGS COUNT

The harmonious and supportive emotional life between a husband and wife is essential. Emotional support and closeness is required not only in times of crises, but also on a daily basis.

The feelings a husband and wife have toward each other directly impacts on the way they cooperate, parent, speak, and create a home atmosphere. When emotional closeness is lacking, it can be caused simply by a failure to understand each other's needs. The following true story illustrates how improved communication alone, brought one couple emotionally closer.

Larry and Sue made an appointment with me for marriage counseling. As I led them into my office Larry straightened his tie and helped Sue take off her coat. Sue, an attractive woman in her late twenties, nervously tugged on her pearl necklace. After brief introductions and small talk she began:

"Abe, I called you because I don’t know if I can continue living with Larry. Whenever we have a problem, instead of talking it through, Larry walks out. The problem is never solved and I question his commitment."

Larry, his voice shaking with emotion, responds: "I love Sue and I am very afraid to lose her, but her temper drives me away. When she gets upset, she raises her voice, shouts insults at me, and more than once, has thrown things around the house. Sometimes this happens even in front of the kids. I feel so humiliated."

I check with Sue to see if she agrees with the facts as Larry presented them. She does. I then ask her to describe in detail what happens when she is furious with Larry. Next, I ask her to experience it, move into that feeling here in my office. Her voice raises with rage as she accuses Larry of ignoring her, not being there for her. Shortly, Sue breaks into tears and I hand her a tissue. I ask her what she is feeling behind all that anger. Shaking she answers:

"I feel alone. Like no one cares. Like when I was a kid and my parents punished me by sending me to my room."

"What is it, Sue, that you need most of all when you feel like that?" I ask.

"Reassurance, comforting words, closeness." I turned to Larry and asked him, "Can you comfort your wife now? Can you be there with her when she needs you? Can you talk to her now?"

Moving his chair toward Sue he responds:

"Sue, I never knew you wanted my support. I always thought you wanted me to get lost when you were angry. From now on..."

In this session, Larry and Sue learned something very important. Sometimes our actions don’t accurately reflect our true feelings. They can even betray our real needs. When Larry understood the true meaning behind Sue’s outbursts, i.e., that she really needed comforting, he was able to respond to her in a new and more helpful way.

Instead of walking out and aggravating the situation, he now chose to move closer to her. When Sue experienced Larry’s sincerity in trying to comfort and support her, she realized she had also misread the situation. Larry’s "walking-out" was because he thought she wanted him to "get out," not because he wasn’t committed or wanted to avoid her. In these few minutes, both Larry and Sue took a giant leap forward toward a more meaningful and satisfying marital relationship. What they really learned was to "check out" each other's inner thoughts and feelings rather than make assumptions and come to incorrect conclusions and actions. Assumptions about what your partner is thinking or wanting usually creates negative emotions and divisiveness.

Take some time, informal or scheduled, and ask your partner to take a minute or two to reflect and communicate what is behind a negative emotion. Do the same for yourself. You might learn something very surprising and valuable for your marriage, and demonstrate that you care.

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